Spectrum of Personality

It seems like everyone generally has a favorite color. For my grandmother, it's undoubtedly blue. One look at her house would tell you that without a doubt. (I'll post a few pictures below to demonstrate what I mean... Yes, the whole house is like that, and as Nellie can tell you, there really are no words.) Anyway, throughout the years, my favorite color has changed, and I've often wondered what, if anything, that says about me during those periods of my life. I came across a website the other day that seemed to answer the question for me.

Now, I know it's not exactly scientific, but these descriptions are me in a nutshell. For the majority of my life, blue has been my favorite. About three to four years ago, a dark red comparable to maroon took precedence, and for the past few months green has definitely been growing on me and may take the top spot. For those of you who've know me during those times, I think you might see when you read the descriptions below just how appropriate they really are for me. Anyway, just a bit of fun...

Blue: Soft, soothing, compassionate and caring, Blue is the color of deliberation and introspection, conservatism and duty. Patient, persevering, conscientious, sensitive and self-controlled, Blues like to be admired for their steady character and wisdom. They are faithful, but are often worriers with somewhat inflexible beliefs and can be too cautious, and suspicious of flamboyant behavior.

Maroon: Harsh experience has probably matured the Maroon person into someone likeable and generous. It is often a favorite color of someone who has been battered by life but has come through. It indicates a well-disciplined Red personality—one who has had difficult experiences and has not come through unmarked but who has grown and matured in the process.

Green: The color of harmony and balance, Green symbolizes hope, renewal and peace, and is usually liked by the gentle and sincere. Greens are generally frank, community-minded people, fairly sociable but preferring peace at any price. Green people can be too self-effacing, modest and patient, so they may get exploited by others. They are usually refined, civilized and reputable.


And now for Grandmother's house. Be prepared to be amazed. Or aghast. Or something...

The Wisdom of Henri Nouwen

"You must decide for yourself to whom and when you give access to your interior life. For years, you have permitted others to walk in and out of your life according to their needs and desires. Thus you were no longer master in your own house, and you felt increasingly used. So, too, you quickly became tired, irritated, angry, and resentful.

"Think of a medieval castle surrounded by a moat. The drawbridge is the only access to the interior of the castle. The lord of the castle must have the power to decide when to draw the bridge and when to let it down. Without such power, he can become the victim of enemies, strangers, and wanderers. He will never feel at peace in his own castle.

"It is important for you to control your own drawbridge. There must be times when you keep your bridge drawn and have the opportunity to be alone or only with those to whom you feel close. Never allow yourself to become public property, where anyone can walk in and out at will. You might think that you are being generous in giving access to anyone who wants to enter or leave, but you will soon find yourself losing your soul.

"When you claim for yourself the power over your drawbridge, you will discover new joy and peace in your heart and find yourself able to share that joy and peace with others."

needed words

much afraid

I know it's only been an hour since my last post, but I just realized something I wanted to share. I haven't fully processed it yet, but I wanted to say it anyway. It's not exactly profound, and it's probably not something you even care all that much to hear, but that's all right.

One of the basic elements for me in this process of deciding where I'm going to end up for the next couple of years for grad school has been my fear. I've placed a lot of emphasis on my fears without completely comprehending why. I still don't understand why. If I follow the lines of thinking that I have been recently, then whatever decision I make would be based on fear. If I decide to go to Abilene, it will be because I'm nervous about Boston and don't think I'm ready for the challenges it will present me with. If I decide to go to Boston, it will be because, although I'm still afraid what lies in store for me there, I believe those fears need to be faced and overcome. In the first scenario, I run to safety because of my trepidation, and perhaps justifiably so. In the second, I take steps, trembling as they may be, toward my fear and have to trust with all of my heart that God will provide and will see me through.

Now, I know this analysis is extremely simplistic and does not offer a thorough picture of my inner turmoil (which you probably wouldn't want to suffer through anyway), but I believe its simplicity holds some truth.

Firstly, it makes me ask myself who I want to be. Do I want to be the one who continues to live a relatively easy and non-threatened life spiritually and emotionally? Stay in my comfort zone a little bit longer and give myself a chance to be fortified? Perhaps I need that and the nurturing environment that Abilene would provide, especially after the things I've been through over the past few years. Or do I want to be the adventurous one who seeks out ways to humble and challenge herself? Dangerous, I know, possibly very dangerous. But along with that potential for wounding or failure is the potential for blessing beyond measure. Is it justifiable or healthy to choose a path because I know it would be more of a challenge to my faith and because I don't want to back down from this challenge? And again, would this be a genuine leap of faith or mere stupidity?

Secondly, it makes me wonder where exactly these fears are originating from. "For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline." Is this hesitance a God-given gift to guide me in the right direction (assuming that there is a right direction)? Or ought I be anxious at all? I know that to most of you, this does not necessarily seem like that difficult of a choice, and in many ways it really shouldn't be. But for me it's not just about what school I end up at or even just about where that will lead me. It's about what kind of a statement my decision makes about me and my faith in God and His ability to preserve my heart and soul in Himself. I realize that God is able to do immeasurable and unimaginable things, and I really shouldn't worry about whether or not He'll be faithful. And as His child, He's given me boldness and the capacity to conquer all through Him, not this spirit of fear that I have been using as my springboard for decision. Shouldn't I be contemplating so much more than I am just how God could mold me and use me in each situation? Instead of moments, mercifully few though they might be, of sheer panic, ought I not rather have sustained excitement and trust in His sovereignty, no matter what choice I make or where I find myself in the future?

Some unfinished thoughts that will continue to work themselves out in my head, turning round and round so that I can see them from every angle. As I mentioned to my mom earlier this evening, being able to perceive every minute aspect of a situation is a blessing when it comes to peacemaking but a definite curse when it comes to decision making. The saga -- Decision 2009 -- continues...

update

Well, I was hoping that hearing about funding from ACU would make my decision easier. It hasn't. Just got an email this evening telling me about the scholarship offer, and I'm still basically where I was as far as the choice itself. So here are my two offers:

Boston University - full tuition and an $8000 stipend per year.
ACU - full tuition and a grad assistantship which would pay about $1700 a year.

With the cost of living being so much higher in Boston, those two would honestly be pretty close to equal. They'd pay for housing, and then I'd have to take out student loans or work to pay for groceries and all that jazz.

So basically, when it comes down to it, money shouldn't be a deciding factor. And the things that are deciding factors have pros and cons for each school for various things, depending on who I want to be and where I want to go with my life. Thoughts and prayers still greatly appreciated!

Boston, continued...

Well, it's been just about two weeks since I got back from Boston, and to answer your first question, no, I don't have a decision yet. Not an official one, at least. I know what I'm leaning toward, but we won't go there quite yet... I would like to catch you up on what the rest of my trip entailed, though. It'll be the (somewhat) shortened version. Enjoy!

Monday (30th): It was cold and rainy again. Seemed to be the theme for the week, actually. Definitely something I'd have to come to terms with if I moved up there. I bundled up a little, though, and took an umbrella with me to go do some more exploring. Started off downtown again and just wandered through some streets taking pictures. Went through the deserted Boston Common. And I'm sure I got some funny looks as I stopped to take pictures, while the rain fell and while my umbrella attempted to escape my clutches. I don't mind a few stares, though, if I can get some good shots in, and I did get a couple of decent ones. Stopped at McDonald's for a mocha to warm up and dry off a bit. Then I headed back to Vic's to grab my stuff and head for the hotel where I'd be staying for the next two nights. As I was walking to the hotel from the subway stop, I noticed a girl about my age with a suitcase who was heading the same direction, and I wondered if she might be part of the group, and it turns out that not only was that true, but she was also my suitemate at the hotel. So Jayne and I checked in together and got settled in our rooms. She went to see her sister, who lives in Boston, and I took some time to relax for a while. That evening, the prospective students who were there already met up just down the street from the hotel at the Theology House, which is (not so surprisingly) some housing for about 20 theology students. We got to meet some of the current students over pizza, talk to our fellow prospectives, and take a tour of Theology House. Afterwards, a group of about 10 or so of us prospective students went out to talk some more and get to know each other. I know I very much shocked one of my fellow Southerners (from Paragould, AR, actually...) by the fact that I'm a Church of Christer and was considering Boston University, and also that I went out with the group, knowing that there'd be some alcohol involved (very minor amounts, for those of you who might also be shocked). That evening I really connected with Jayne and also with two guys named Matthew and Aidan. The four of us ended up spending a decent amount of time together over the next couple of days, and I'm thankful for having met them. They helped make it a great experience for me and gave me a good taste of what I could expect if I decided to attend there.

Tuesday (31st): Well, I wish I could say that Tuesday got off to a good start. Honestly, it didn't. I didn't sleep well at all, due to the fact that it was 85 DEGREES in my room! Aaah! I was sweating and throwing off covers, opening windows, closing windows when it got too light and too loud outside, doing just about anything possible to sleep sanely, and failing miserably at my attempts. I think I easily woke up 6 or 8 times during the night. It didn't help that I was right over a very busy street, and it really didn't help that that morning, of all mornings, there was a protest just about 30 yards down the street, where some group had chained a mannequin to a storefront, someone had called in a bomb threat, and there were multiple sirened vehicles passing by just under my window. Yikes! But after a rocky start, the day turned out to be a good one. It was actually sunny and decently warm on Tuesday (the only day of the week!). A group of us met in the lobby of the hotel and walked on down to the school for breakfast with the dean and the rest of the prospective students who'd arrived too late to join in at Theology House the night before. After breakfast, I attended a survey of the New Testament class (taught by a woman!!), and then it was time for lunch with the dean and many of the professors. They were amazingly nice and very interesting people who were fun to talk to. After lunch was another class, then a walking tour of some of BU's campus. An hour or so of free time, and then dinner at a Chinese restaurant. After dinner, we went to the dean's apartment, just down the street, where we had dessert and talked amongst ourselves for a while. A few of us went back to the place we'd been the night before, where we played a thrilling game of Clue and then headed to bed.

Wednesday (1st): We had a lovely time eating the varieties of pancakes that the BU Theology Students' Association whipped up for us that morning. Afterwards a quick tour of the theology building and theology library. Then it was off to chapel. The chapel service was very encouraging to me. Some good singing, a good message, and a bit of time to refocus myself on God's control of my situation and future. I definitely needed that last part especially, because this whole decision-making process has been heart-wrenching for me. There are things about each school that I love, and a few things about each that would be difficult or frustrating to me. Each school offers so much; they just offer different things. And so the challenge has been to determine which one is the better fit for me at this point in my life, to foresee which one I will benefit most from intellectually, spiritually, emotionally, and in so many other ways. So the reminder of God's presence and benevolence was much appreciated. After chapel was the weekly community lunch with all of the school of theology's student body, faculty, and staff. As we were walking to lunch, I happened to spot Dr. James Walters, one of the professors whom I'd been able to email quickly with before I left for Boston, and we were able to sit together at lunch and talk some more. (One of the people I'd met at ACU had mentioned that he knew some people in Boston, so he'd put me in contact with Steve Holt, who you'll hear more about later, who then connected me with Dr. Walters and a guy named Chad via email...) Dr. Walters was a wonderful man for me to meet and talk with for many reasons. Besides just being a great and friendly guy, he comes from a background that is very much like mine. He's a Southerner, a member of the Churches of Christ, he was a professor at Harding for 10+ years, and he actually was offered a job at ACU at the same time he was offered his position at BU. He knows and has worked with a number of the ACU faculty. And so he was able to understand and address a number of my thoughts, questions, and fears about this decision that I'm making. And he's expressed that he'd be willing to provide a listening ear to me if I needed it in the future. So that was comforting, knowing that if I did end up at BU, I would have someone who understood where I was coming from and why I might be struggling with certain things as opposed to others. I'm very thankful to have met him! After lunch, we were taken on a trolley tour of the city, which was quite entertaining, and I learned a decent amount about the city's history while also getting to talk more with some of the prospective students. And when we got done with the tour, our official event were over. Sad! I had to start saying goodbye to my newfound friends, knowing that there was a good possibility I'd never see some of them again... Jayne went to do some organ practice for when she got back home the next evening. Matthew went to meet a friend of his. Aidan and I went to Bruegger's Bagels to get a drink and some internet. We spent an hour or so there talking until it was time for him to leave for home. Hugs and goodbyes, and I headed back to Vic's. It was cold and rainy again, and I honestly was a bit depressed and indecisive and upset, so I wasn't sure if I wanted to do anything that evening. But I convinced myself to go visit the Brookline Church of Christ (where Dr. Walters and his wife attend) because I found out it was only about a ten minute walk from Vic's apartment. Their website said they were meeting at 7 at the building, "no foolin!" (as it was April Fool's Day), so I gathered up my emotional strength and traipsed on over there, actually working myself up to looking forward to it, only to get there and realize that I really must have been fooled, because there was not a single person there, and the building was quite locked. It had started to rain, so I didn't wait around to get even more wet (hadn't taken the umbrella with me). I headed back to the apartment to settle in for the evening to myself. Vic came back a little later and very nicely fixed me something to eat (hadn't had dinner yet), and I caught him up on the past few days and then watched LOST while he worked on some other things. Went to bed very much emotionally and physically exhausted.

Thursday (2nd): Thursday morning I met up with this guy named Chad who I'd been able to email with a little. He's another one who's familiar with both ACU and BU and is interested in many of the same things that I am, so he was able to provide yet another perspective on things for me, to give me some things to think about. While we were sipping our coffee and munching our pastries, all of a sudden at my elbow, Matthew walks up and says, "I don't know enough people in this town to be bumping into people I know." So after Chad and I finished up, Matthew and I went to meet up with Jayne for a while, and then when she had to leave, he and I headed over the the campus to eat lunch with a friend of his and some of the theology students. Then it was time for him to leave, and I was alone again in the city. For the afternoon, I went over to Harvard's campus for a while. I'd heard it was a bit greener than much of the rest of the city, and it was, so that was nice. And any theology student registered at any of the Boston schools can take theology classes at any of the other schools, so I might be taking some classes at Harvard if I end up up there. Sat for a while on the steps to one of the buildings. Called Nellie and filled her in on the details of the trip that far and what I was thinking. Spent some time praying and reading in my Bible (the story of Moses' calling). Left Harvard to go visit the USS Constitution. It's the oldest commissioned naval vessel still floating. 1797. Got to take a tour of it, which was quite interesting. Walked to the Bunker Hill monument. Then hopped on the T to head out to Steve and Chrissy Holt's house for the evening. Like I mentioned, I got in contact with Steve through one of the people I'd met at ACU over their preview weekend at the beginning of March. I'd emailed Steve a few days before leaving for Boston and was able to talk with him on the phone for an hour or so as well. He and Chrissy had hoped to meet me at the airport when I came in, since they only live one stop away from it, but with my rescheduled flights, that didn't end up working out. The two of them and some friends meet weekly on Thursday nights for dinner and some time of fellowship and Bible study, so I was able to join them, and it was a huge blessing to me! Both Steve and Chrissy and two of the other members of the group had done some grad work at ACU and then moved up to Boston. They had had varying experiences at ACU. None particularly bad, just some different perspectives and insights on what to expect and what might be gained from grad work there or in Boston. It was good to be around a group of people who'd been through some of the things I was considering and who also shared faith that was very similar to mine. Those few hours with them were among the most encouraging and precious of the week for me. I know for a fact that if I end up in Boston, I will greatly need a group like them. One couple dropped me off at the T station, and I headed back to Vic's house to talk with him a while and head to bed.

Friday (3rd): My last day in Boston. Again, cold and rainy. Surprise, surprise... Said goodbye to Vic in the morning as he headed out to work. Got up and dressed, packed my bag, and then went to run a few errands. Picked up a gift card to a bakery as a thank you to my wonderful host, went over to Theology House to recover his umbrella that I'd left there on Monday night on accident. Ate lunch at a little diner around the corner from his apartment. Didn't have much else to do. I'd pretty much seen the sights I wanted to see, plus I was tired of walking around in the rain, so I spent a few minutes catching up on some emails. Then I gathered up all my stuff and headed out. I got to the airport a little early (despite the fact that from the T stop, I got on the wrong bus which took me to the wrong terminal, so I had to walk quite the distance to the correct terminal). Checked in my bag and got my boarding passes and had about an hour and a half to wait. I considered settling down in the terminal for that time. But then I made up my mind. I'd never been to the Atlantic. The only time I'd ever been to the beach was for an hour or two one afternoon in Marseille. I wasn't going to come all the way from Arkansas to Boston, be that close to the coast, and not go! I hadn't found a way to squeeze it in earlier in the week, and even though it was dreary outside, Vic had told me about Revere Beach, which was only four stops away from the airport, and I was going to go. Knew I'd be cutting it close, but I'd at least try! So I left the airport and headed back out. I actually made it with plenty of time to spare, so I took fifteen minutes or so to walk on the beach, step into the quite cold waves of the Atlantic, take a few pictures and collect a few seashells to take home with me. Perhaps not most people's ideal beach experience, but it all seemed very fitting to me, including, and perhaps especially, how overcast and gray it was. Just seemed to fit my temperament at the time. Back at the airport (I took the right bus this time), I easily made it onto my flight and headed out of Boston. For all I knew, it could have been my first, last, and only time to be in the city, and so it was a bit sad. But in all honesty, I was so emotionally spent from the week of wrestling with my options that I was longing to be home and back in the familiar. No 4 1/2 hour layover in Cincinnati this time, thankfully. And back at XNA, Nellie and Jedediah were there to pick me up and drive me home. Open spaces, stars, trees, tree frogs... all thing that I'd missed very much during the week that I'd been away. As much as I like the idea of Boston and all it offers, I know there are things -- big things and very small things -- that I'd miss very much about my home. It was good to be back. Good to be home.

So the question still remains, yes, after two more weeks of contemplation and prayer and attempts to think about each possibility as if it had already been decided and attempt to not think about it at all... I am excited about the possibilities that are open to me, the amazing opportunities that God has given me. But I am saddened by what I know I will be giving up. No matter which choice I make, I know that there are things about the other school that I will be missing out on, perhaps never to experience. And I am scared. Not exactly scared that I will make the wrong choice, because I don't think that either choice is a bad one. More scared that I will struggle for whatever reasons with the choice that I do make. I know which direction I am leaning, but I am still waiting for more information about scholarships from ACU before I make that decision final. I covet your prayers. Prayers for my ability to make a wise decision, prayers for my sanity, prayers for my ability to cope with and meet the challenges that will come my way wherever I end up. I thank God for you and for your encouragement! And now, after what must be the longest blog post ever, I think it's about time to call it a night...


Lady of the Library
(For more pictures, check out my album on facebook.)

The Road Not Taken

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

Boston, days 1/2 and 1

So, as some of you know, I'm currently in the process of trying to make a decision about where to go to graduate school. I've pretty much narrowed it down to two possibilities. One the one hand we've got good ole Abilene Christian University, and on the other hand we have Boston University. Two schools which are worlds apart in oh so many ways! It's almost the differences between them that make the decision so hard. Each school has so much to offer; they just offer different things. Finding the right balance between those things and the right fit for me is proving extremely difficult, and I welcome all the encouragement and prayers you're willing to give!

In the process of figuring this thing out, I'm making visits to both of the schools. I've been to Abilene plenty of times before, but at the end of February, Scott took Corey, Hunter, and I down there once again to scope out the place. A good program, great professors, and amazing people all around. I know I would fit in marvelously there and get a good foundational education to prepare me for further studies if I decided to go that route. I came away from that weekend just *knowing* that was where God wanted me to be. I was comfortable with that knowledge and excited about the future. Within just a few days, I got a phone call. Boston University on the line. I already knew I'd been accepted. What I didn't know until that phone call was that they were going to pay for it. Full tuition, a decent living stipend, and most expenses for a trip to visit the school and check it all out myself. Yikes! Not something you can just turn your back on easily...

So here I am in Boston. Got a cheap ticket through Priceline and am here for six days. I figured if I'm coming all the way up here, I might as well have a bit of time to enjoy it. Plus it was even cheaper that way for some reason. I'm staying with Nellie's friend Vic from back in Malaysia. He's amazingly nice, so much fun, and quite hilarious! So how has the first day or two gone, you want to know?

Well, it started off interestingly... You'd think if I were to have bad weather mess up my travel plans, it'd be in Boston or in Cincinnati, where I was changing flights. One of those northern yankee cities. You'd be wrong. Saturday morning, when Nellie dropped me off at XNA, it was raining. But that rain quickly turned to sleet. And then snow. We all got loaded onto the plane quickly and were even going to be early taking off, but of course, the hose on the truck that was deicing our plane broke when they were almost finished, so they had to go get a new truck and then basically start all over. We sat out in the plane all that time, waiting, and we finally left nearly an hour late. So instead of a 30 minute layover in Cincinnati, I practically ran through the airport to try to make my plane but missed it and then had a 4 1/2 hour layover until I could catch the next flight to Boston. Oh well... Look on the bright side, right? Guess I got my workout for the day in...

I finally made it into Boston, grabbed my bag, found the shuttle bus to the T, and made my way across Boston to where Vic lives. In the whole process, I am proud to say I only got hit on once. The guy next to me on the blue line of the T. Let me tell you, he was something else with his baggy jeans, t-shirt, ball cap, and Red Bull. "Can I give you my number? I could show you around. I like being a tour guide. It makes me feel important!" Um, no. Not so much.

Vic met me at the T stop near his apartment and so very kindly walked me there. He had some dinner all prepared (mmm - Malaysian food!), and we had a very nice time chatting for a couple of hours as we ate and then as we walked a ways to a bakery/coffee shop, where we sat and talked some more. He's a really great guy who is so generous and so much fun to be around! Back at his apartment that night, he fixed me up with a lovely air mattress and anything I could possibly need. I slept pretty well after the long day.

This morning we slept in a bit. It was cold and rainy outside. Just the kind of day where you don't want to get out of bed. Plus, it had been a long day on Saturday, and neither of us is a morning person either. When we did get up and around, he fixed breakfast. Again, mmmm! Pancakes. But not pancakes like most of you are used to. More like a cross between MeMa's pancakes and the palacinky/Palatschinken you can get in Europe. Very thin pancakes which you can fill with a topping and fold over to eat with your hands. My favorite was lemon juice with a bit of sugar. I'll be eating that more often in the future!

After breakfast we set out to see some of the city. Like I said, it was pretty dreary outside. That front that had come through and brought the sleet and snow to Arkansas was here, but strangely enough, up here where you'd think it would be colder, it was warm enough that we just got rain. We took the T to the stops near Boston University and wandered around the campus a bit. It's very unlike the U of A's campus because it's located in a downtown area of a big city. The buildings are beautiful, but you can tell a lot of them were probably co-opted from their previous uses to serve the university's purposes. Most everything was locked up since it was a Sunday afternoon, but we stopped by a food court area and sat to have something to drink to warm our chilled selves. Sat and talked and watched the people around us. When we were warm and dry enough, we set back out and meandered down some of the streets to see what we could see. Kenmore Square, the Back Bay area, lots of nice shops and restaurants, the Apple store... Took the T to Government Center, where we walked by Boston City Hall, Faneuil Hall, through Quincy Market, near Long Wharf, and over to the North End and some nice little Italian areas. Got some gelato at an amazing bakery and then headed back across town to crash at his place again.

Here for the evening, we spent some time working on various things. I thought I might take a short nap, since I was sleepy and my knee was hurting a bit from all the walking in the cold, wet weather. But I ended up spending a couple of hours on the computer. (Yes, I know, come all the way to Boston just to spend my evening online!) But there were things that needed to be done. Forms that needed to be filled out, emails to send, things to figure out for all this silly admissions process which is more of a hassle than it should be. Got to email back and forth some today with a girl in Abilene who is looking for another roommate to fill the fourth spot in the house. She seems absolutely amazing, and if I end up there, I hope it works out. So I feel like I accomplished a lot this evening. I've gotten some things straightened out, I think, so that's good. Spent a bit of time talking to Libby this evening. I honestly don't know how I'm going to do without her! It's only been two days, and I think we're both going through withdrawals! How in the world are we going to survive months at a time?!

It's been a full but enjoyable day. Not too pressured or busy. Gave me an introduction to the city. Allowed me to wrap up a few things that needed taking care of so that I can really focus more in the next couple of days. Just the right way to start off my trip here. And now, it's nearly 1 am. So it's time for bed again! I'll keep you posted!

One last thing to leave you with: Boston By Fog...

tension of the heart

As you can see, I've got quite a bit to say tonight. I hope you will make it through to the end with me, even if not all in one sitting. :-)

I would like to begin by praising God for the fact that my outlook on life has improved a great deal in recent weeks. I am extremely thankful for this change and must let you know that. There is, however, one aspect of my perspective which has become an area of concern for me. I have realized just within the past few days how much I am living in fear of condemnation. Not condemnation from God, for I firmly believe that I have been justified fully through the blood of Christ. I have accepted Christ as my one and only way of salvation and redemption and am attempting daily to live in faith and in His will for my life. I do not believe that I have anything to be uneasy about from God, for He has promised redemption and is always faithful. And I know that in the last day I will give an account for myself and no one else, and no other will give his own account for me. The fate of my soul is and will be between me and God; to my own master I stand or fall, and I will stand, for the Lord is able to make me stand. No, when it comes to my worry about condemnation, it is rather God’s people of whom I am afraid. Now this may sound ridiculous. After all, what might I have to fear from the people who should love me the most? But this gnawing apprehension will not ease, nor will the worry that my concerns may have some basis. And above all, my trepidation points to some deeper issues of the heart.

To state it rather candidly, I am in the process of exploring some points of view which I believe are not and probably never will be supported by some members of my family and church fellowship. I don’t want to delve deeper into those specific contemplations at the moment, as that is not presently my aim. And it would serve us all well to remember that, as I have already mentioned, this is a process. My views are far from set -- more that they are in the stage of inception -- and they will surely continue to develop, most likely continuing to evolve over the course of my lifetime. I cannot say for certain who I will be and what I will believe a year from now, much less fifteen or fifty years from now. My prayer is that God will continue the process of maturing me in faith, in love, in knowledge, and in wisdom. I cannot ask to see the end result right now. I can only ask for Him to be faithful in the present and to assist me in my own faithfulness to Himself.

All that being said, my deliberation at this time, as I begin to prayerfully examine the beliefs that I hold, is how to faithfully fulfill the various purposes and directives I believe God has given me in this life, especially as those paths sometimes seem, in my own admittedly limited vision, to be inharmonious or perhaps even irreconcilable. One calling I cannot dismiss is that to examine my heart, mind, and beliefs, to pursue truth, and to live a life dedicated unswervingly to God’s service in light of the truth which is revealed to me. At the same time, I am called to live a life of love, giving of myself as Christ gave of Himself, and submitting to my fellow Christians out of reverence for God.

Jesus assured His followers that if they would ask, seek, and knock, they would receive their answer from God. And so I am asking for knowledge, I am seeking wisdom, and I am knocking at the door of the kingdom, humbly desiring to enter. I am searching for the truth that gives freedom. I am in all things wanting to glorify my Savior and Redeemer, and I want to do nothing which will inflict injury on or inhibit the spiritual growth of His church. I do not believe that these two callings of mine -- one to wisdom and the other to love -- are mutually exclusive. By no means could they be, since Christ realized both of them. At times, however, because we are all imperfect humans with incomplete understanding, there is an extremely delicate line to walk. And I am not yet sure how to even approach that line, much less how to engage it.

Perhaps in my time of study and prayer, God will lead me to conclusions which are generally acceptable to those whom I love dearly. Perhaps my current inclinations are merely the expression of incomplete knowledge or faith. At times I almost wish this to be so, for it would simplify my life considerably. But the life of faith has never been an easy one, and to sacrifice truth for the sake of convenience would be foolishness indeed! And so, I must continue to follow the beckoning of God into greater knowledge, understanding full well that this may turn out to be a costly decision. How am I to react if the wisdom he imparts to me is in fact at odds with the beliefs of those I love? Undoubtedly, I am to serve Him first and foremost, even at the cost of leaving behind father and mother, husband and children, brothers and sisters, and even my own life, as Christ makes quite clear in Luke 14. Yet at the same time, I am called to live a life of love, just as Christ loved and gave Himself up. I am asked to sacrifice my own desires and proclivities in order to ensure the spiritual health of each member of the body of Christ. On disputable matters (whatever those may be!), I am permitted to hold an opinion which may not be shared by all, but I am never permitted to allow that belief to destroy my brother for whom Christ died. I am to make every effort to do what leads to righteousness, peace, joy, and mutual edification.

This is not an easy path to tread, however. It would be much more manageable an affair if I were guaranteed that those with whom I will be interacting were doing their best to work toward wisdom and deference as well. The church is certainly better able to seek, serve, and glorify God when it also pursues unity and reciprocal submission. Unfortunately, this is not always the case. And even when all of the parties involved do preserve those goals, the definition of what exactly is contestable and what is essential comes into question. In what matters should we surrender, and on what issues would acquiescing to another’s opinion be an abandonment of the truth of God? I fear that some subjects which I would consider to be the disputable matters addressed in Romans 14 are regarded by others as issues of extreme importance, perhaps even to the point of salvation, issues which are not open to question or interpretation. And I am sure the same is true in reverse. There’s the rub.

Perhaps ‘condemnation’ is too strong a word. Perhaps ‘reproof’ or ‘disapproval’ would be better suited to name my apprehension. For, again, I do not foresee damnation or censure from God, though I am sure there will be others who would believe I should dread such a thing and will not hesitate greatly to tell me so themselves if the time comes. It is rather the possibility of just such a reaction from those I love that distresses me. I do not ever want my family and church to feel as though I am living in blatant disregard for and rebellion to God’s commands and am subject to His disapproval. I do not want to be spurned for my convictions if I have come to them through an honest desire to know and follow God. It would be nice to be received for the person I am and am becoming in Christ, regardless of the fact that my beliefs may sometimes differ from their own.

However important these considerations may be to me, though, through my consideration of them, an even more fundamental question has come into view in my life. This more pertinent and all-encompassing query is this: Should it even really matter? Should I be attentive to the kind of reaction I get from those around me regarding the convictions I hold? Ought not my one and only guide be God, as revealed through Christ the Word and the Spirit, my Counselor?

Please, please do not misunderstand me to be saying that I believe the observations and concerns of my Christian family should be disdained or even neglected. I know that God has placed His people in community for many very good reasons, one of which is so that we can encourage and exhort one another to live pure and holy lives of faithfulness. I greatly value this role of the church, and I thank God for His wisdom to use His people in such a way!

What I am getting at, rather, is really the question of where my allegiance truly lies. Is my faith built on the weak foundation of a need for acceptance and affirmation, or is it firmly established on the Lordship of Christ and none other? Why am I fearful of the judgment of others if I have been justified fully by the grace of God? If indeed I am given the knowledge that I ask God for, and if indeed living in that knowledge entails something which is different from that which I have known and that which those around me still cling to, how will I react? How will I attempt to live in submission to my fellow Christians without compromising the integrity of the gospel of Christ? And if those I love are not as supportive as I might hope, will I shrink back in fear of displeasing them, or will I be able to boldly step out in faith into the life that God has called me to? What are my idols, and who is truly my God? Will I abandon all else, even that which is most precious to me, leaving everything behind in order that I might know God better and serve Him fully?

I like to think I know the answer to those questions. I like to hope that in faith I will be able to live confidently in the Lord, pursuing and living in truth as He reveals it to me. And I know that God is in the process of developing such a faith in me. I ask you, however, to consider these questions in your own life. And I beg you to pray for me, for yourself, and for all of us. Pray that we might seek knowledge and wisdom, that we might live in love and submission, and that, above all, we might find Christ and only Christ at the center of our lives!

a quick request

Hello, all! Hope that you're doing wonderfully today! I just have a quick request for those of you who do read this blog. I'd like you to say a prayer for me, if you don't mind. First of all, a prayer of praise that things have been going quite well in my life lately. And secondly, a prayer that I will be given wisdom in both the choices I am making (especially regarding grad school) and in regard to some issues that I am currently contemplating. I'd like to go where God wants me to go and know what God wants me to know. That's it! Thanks!!

my desire

I know I've already posted a few things recently that are other people's words, but they're words that express very well who I am and what I'm thinking about, so I do it anyway. We'll get to more of my own words sometime soon, but in the meantime, I've got more lyrics for you. This song was introduced to me by my friend Mitch, and I'm very thankful for that because it quickly became one of my favorite songs. If you haven't heard it, I'd suggest lala.com as a free way to listen, because it's the music nearly as much as the lyrics that make the impact.

This is who I am and who I want to be, who I am striving to be. So thank you, Jeremy Camp, for expressing those things artfully and in a way with which I can connect.


"My Desire" by Jeremy Camp

You want to be real
You want to be empty inside
You want to be someone laying down your pride
You want to be someone someday
Then lay it all down before the King
You want to be whole
You want to have purpose inside
You want to have virtue and purify your mind
You want to be set free today then lay it all down before the King

This is my desire
This is my return
This is my desire to be used by you

You want to be real
You want to be emptied inside
And I know my heart is to feel you near
And I know my life
It's to do your will
It's to do your will

This is my desire
This is my return
This is my desire to be used by you

All my life I have seen where you've taken me
Beyond all I have hoped and there's more left unseen
There's not much I can do to repay all you've done so I give my hands to use

This is my desire
This is my return
This is my desire to be used by you

Love: Angel Mission

I know it's a little late for this year, but think about it, please!

Got any gift ideas for Valentine's Day? We do. from Angel Mission on Vimeo.

reflection

The wing and the wheel... they carry things away
Whether it's me that does the leavin' or the love that flies away
The moon outside my window looks so lonely tonight
Oh, there's a chunk out of its middle... big enough for an old fool to hide

Where are all the dreamers... that I used know?
We used to linger beneath street lamps in the halos and the smoke
The wing and the wheel... came to carry them away
Now they all live out in the suburbs where their dreams are in their children at play

There's a pale sky in the east... all the stars are in the west
Oh, here's to all the dreamers... may our open hearts find rest
The wing and the wheel are gonna carry us along
And we'll have memories for company... long after the songs are gone

-- "The Wing and the Wheel" by Nanci Griffith

no apologies...

"The whole life of the good Christian," said Augustine, "is a holy longing."  Sadly, many of us have been led to feel that somehow we ought to want less, not more.  We have this sense that we should atone for our longings, apologize that we feel such deep desire.  Shouldn't we be more content?  Perhaps, but contentment is never wanting less; that's the easy way out.  Anybody can look holy if she's killed her heart; the real test is to have your heart burning within you and have the patience to enjoy what there is now to enjoy, while waiting with eager anticipation for the feast to come.

-- Brent Curtis & John Eldredge in "The Sacred Romance"

Mission is Love

Really, does time go by that quickly? Is January nearly over already? It's been two months since I've posted anything on this blog, and yet it only seems like two days...

So I've been doing some thinking. Thinking about a lot of things lately (what's changed?), but we won't go into all that. One thing I have been contemplating, though, is the web address that this blog occupies. www.missionsminded.blogspot.com Now, I happen to like that address, and I don't plan to change it anytime soon. Just been doing some thinking about it. I suppose the thoughts were spurred by a blog post by my friend Kristi Sweeney.

Kristi's post caused me to consider more the unfortunate ability we as Christians have of being able to substitute religion and religious activities for a real relationship with God. I know that many of us are prone to doing this; I know that I myself am. Why is it that we cheat ourselves? When we have offered to us the most unbelievably rich relationship with our Creator and Redeemer and Lover, why do we refuse it for a cheap imitation religious life based on only obligation and guilt? God longs to be in relationship with us! He created us in his own image, with hearts and minds and souls, so that we could commune with him, not so that we could wrench ourselves from his loving arms and put distance between ourselves and him, saying, "I know you just want to be near me God, but no thank you; I'd prefer self-flagellation for my guilt and subservience to this set of ideals which, if I keep it perfectly and unquestioningly, will, I believe, redeem me in your sight or at the very least make me a good person." But time after time we do just that, pushing away the possibility of real intimacy and meaning in our relationship with God. What was meant to be a "sacred romance" (thank you Brent Curtis and John Eldridge) is abandoned for an admittedly easier but much less fulfilling attempt at a partnership, which will in the end get us nowhere.

So what in the world does all that have to do with the location of my blog, you ask? This girl is crazy; why is she rambling about something that makes no sense? Well, it may not make much of any sense to any of you, but I suppose that's because you're not me. You haven't seen what I've seen when it comes to God working in me these past few years. Sometimes I honestly haven't even understood it, and I have definitely questioned God about it all many a time. Anyway, back to the subject at hand... When I began this blog close to four years ago, I settled on "missionsminded" as the web address. Appropriate, I thought, given my interest in mission work. I'd been on a number of spring break and summer mission trips with the RFCs and was even considering dedicating a chunk of my life to long-term foreign mission work. I'll tell you right now that I wouldn't change any of that. I'm thankful to have had the experiences I did on those mission trips, I am still very interested in and dedicated to foreign missions, and I'm glad that I did settle on that name for my blog. The thing is, my concept of missions had been shaped a good deal by what I was talking about in that paragraph above -- the tendency I and many of us have to substitute religion for God. Now I'm not saying I wasn't genuine in my desire to serve God. I'm not saying I didn't wholeheartedly mean the things I've posted here on this blog. And I'm not saying that I was wrong in doing the things I did or even in doing them for the reasons that I did them. What I am saying is that God has changed me. He's helped me grow; he's brought me to a place of greater, though still incomplete, understanding. I can see now that my thoughts on the mission of God needed some tweaking.

Besides having the distinct possibility of becoming an idol or a way of self-respect and redemption for me, based on what I could accomplish instead of what God could do in relationship with me, my concept of God's work in this world was too limited. It needed to be expanded and yet at the same time simplified. There's a verse in Scripture that perfectly describes God's mission in this world. It's one that I'm sure most all of you could quote endlessly without trying, perhaps even in your sleep. It's one of those verses that you hear so much that you almost forget what it means. You are desensitized to the magnitude of its words: "For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life." Good old John 3:16. Whenever I thought of mission, what came to mind, and likely what I was mostly referring to in "missionsminded," was the experience of traveling to an unfamiliar place and working in a foreign culture to improve the lives of the people I would encounter, bringing them whatever it was that they needed. That's not a bad description of missions, not even a bad description of what it is Jesus did for us. And maybe it's the part of me that so desperately craves and even needs adventures and the opportunity to make a difference that influenced me into thinking along those lines. But when such a powerful word is pigeonholed into such a limited meaning and not allowed to express the fullness of what it was meant to express, we are missing out on so much!

Another look at John 3:16. One bit at a time. God loved the world. He loved it so much that he willingly gave up the one who was most precious to him, willingly separated himself from the one to whom his relationship was otherwise inseparable. By doing this, he opened up the possibility for those of us who believe in him to not perish. Think about that! Everything that we know perishes! All we see around us is fading and will someday soon be gone. But not us. Not if we believe in Jesus. And not only that, not only will we not perish, but we will have life everlasting, life to the full as mentioned elsewhere in Scripture. All by believing in him. And all because God loved. That is the mission of God. LOVE. Love so strong that God is willing to give up his most treasured bond with his son in order to even have the possibility of relationship with us. Love which encompasses life and conquers death. Love which gives all of itself just because it can.

It's not that my definition of missions was wrong. Just not complete. It's like how all squares are rectangles but not all rectangles are squares. Building houses for people who need them, feeding the hungry, providing opportunities for people to better their place in the world, teaching about Jesus and his ministry, baptizing people into Christ and seeing God forgive their sins -- these are mission. But mission is not these things. It encompasses but also transcends these things. Mission is God coming to us because we couldn't and wouldn't come to him. Mission is partaking in the purpose of God in this world. Mission is loving others even especially when they don't deserve it. Mission is not a frenzy of religious-looking activity, even religious-looking activity sprung from the purest of intentions and a good heart. Mission is resting in the heart of God, becoming one with its purposes and plans. Mission is throwing oneself wholeheartedly into relationship with God, leaning on him, learning from him, and trusting in him. Mission is recognition of God's own mission in this world -- to reconcile his people to himself and to be reunited with them in spirit. Mission is love.

decision made

My last day at the bank should be December 19th. Not an easy decision to make or an easy decision to tell my boss about, but the one that needed to be made, I believe. Haven't told my co-workers yet. I'll do that Monday morning before they send out the email saying that "Laura Beall has decided to pursue other opportunities outside of the Bank of Fayetteville." Other opportunities being holidays with my family. And hopefully a job that is not quite as frustrating. So if you've got any ideas about a job, I'd appreciate those now. :) Thanks for your thoughts and support!

dilemma (noun): a situation requiring a choice between equally undesirable alternatives

Hope you all are doing well so far this week. I've got a prayer request I'd like to send your way...

As you all know, I'm not a huge fan of my job at the bank. It's an all right job, just not really the best for me. And I'd kind of thought about finding something else to do anyway, just because I get bored and frustrated with my job. But I do work with good people and don't necessarily just want to up and leave them. That being said...

I was told Friday that I could have either the day after Thanksgiving or the day after Christmas off, but not both and not any more time around the holidays. Understandable, coming from bank management. Should have expected it. But Joshua and Sarah are going to be here from the Czech Republic for the holidays. And my family will be celebrating in Memphis and southwest Kansas, 6 and 9 1/2 hours away from Fayetteville. And I want to be with them, not here on my own. I'd saved up plenty of vacation time to be able to spend it with them, and now it looks like I won't be able to use it.

This is important to me. And if I actually liked my job and really wanted to keep it, I'd find some way to deal with it. But given the fact that I'm not a huge fan of it anyway, I'm now contemplating quitting my job to spend the holidays with family and finding a new job at the first of the year. Don't know if that's a wise decision or not, but it's what I'm thinking about. So I'd appreciate your prayers that I do make a good decision for myself and my family, that if I do decide to quit that things will work out okay with the bank and also with finding a new job for the first half of next year before starting grad school. (I'd thought about going straight into school in January, and while that's tempting in many ways, I'm not sure I'm quite ready for it yet. Not quite ready to leave Fayetteville, my family and friends, and my wonderful roommate Libby and her dog Emmer.)

So there's the dilemma. Prayer and advice appreciated. :)

a tip...

I know this isn't the kind of post you all have been oh-so-eagerly awaiting, but too bad. I'll get there eventually. This one might make a bigger difference than any other possible post to some of you, though. Those of you who have been around me in the past couple months might (I hope!) have noticed that I've lost some weight. Twenty pounds, actually. Now, I've still got high hopes of losing another twenty or so, but I will say that I am just a little impressed with myself. :)

How have I accomplished this feat, you ask? SparkPeople. Anyone ever heard of SparkPeople? I hadn't until last April. And no, it's not a miracle program or diet. It's just the basics of good common-sense nutrition and exercise. But there's encouragement. And resources. And accountability - accountability to yourself, most importantly. So if you or anyone you know is looking to lose some weight and get in better shape, check out www.sparkpeople.com. Absolutely free, completely safe, tons of help, and a great way to accomplish your goals! I'm creatively named laura.beall, and you can add me as a buddy if you like. Like I said, no magic tricks here, just a healthy, dare I say almost fun, way to shed some of those extra pounds. Good luck, and God bless!

back from the dead?

Two whole posts in the past year. Not quite the "excessive musings" I thought I might have when I started this blog. Now, don't get me wrong. There has been plenty of musing going on in my life in the past year. Far too much of it at times, actually, and those two blog posts cannot come anywhere close to expressing anything but a minute portion of it. So it's not that there was nothing to say, it's just that most of my reflections were not fit for public consumption. A few who are close to me might have been interested in reading them, but I'm honestly not sure that I could have formulated much of it into words or that it would have been appropriate to post it even if I could have. I might take a bit of time over the next few weeks to share a tiny bit of that with you ("you" being my two readers), and then I really would like to get into the habit of posting semi-regularly, for my own benefit if no one else's. We'll see...

a man after God's own heart

It's been a while... Four months. Four months have flown by. I haven't had a lot to say. God's been good, though I must admit that at times I doubted if that was really the case. He always proves me wrong. :) I'm not going to go there right now. Maybe later. I do want to share some of my thoughts with you, though, on another subject... What does a woman mean when she says she's looking for a guy who is a spiritual leader? The question was posed to me recently by a guy friend who was looking for some insight from a female perspective, and while I am far from claiming that my answer is the answer every girl would give, it's the answer I would give. Here's what I wrote back to him:


A man who is a spiritual leader is, first of all, a man who is seeking and serving God with all of his heart and to the best of his ability long before the woman ever comes into the picture. He's not just doing it to get someone else's attention or because of someone else's influence on his life; he's doing it because it is fundamentally who he is. He's someone who loves God above all else and is pursuing God relentlessly, which will be obvious in his choice of activities, the way he treats people, how he takes care of himself (physically, emotionally, spiritually), and (in my opinion) how he dreams big dreams and allows God to lead him into them and fulfill them.

He will spend time developing his own relationship with God, and I'm not talking a pray-at-dinner-and-before-bedtime kind of relationship or a relationship where he only plays around at being a Christian when it's comfortable or useful for him. I'm talking a real relationship, in which he constantly seeks God for his company, searches to understand God's character more fully, embraces both the comfort and conflict that come with a deepening relationship, and makes a commitment for the long haul, no matter what. He will be honest, real, and genuine, whatever the situation may be, but he will always attempt to allow God to remain the director of his ways, even when it seems like there may be no reason to trust God. He will readily put himself and his own reputation on the line to fulfill the calling God has given him, not shrinking back from challenges and trials he meets but rising to the occasion because of the strength and ability God has given him. He will, in all things, remain humble and recognize that it is always God who is the one giving that strength and ability, as well as God doing the redeeming from sin and from a hopeless way of life and death.

He will love others with a friendly, kind, giving, and compassionate love, helping draw them into relationship with himself and his God. He will lead by acts of service, whether organized and public or more everyday and intimate. He will challenge other Christians to live their lives devoted to Christ and pursuing passionately the God who created them, loved them, lived for them, died for them, and called them into relationship with Himself.

He will challenge and encourage his wife (or girlfriend) to be this same kind of person and spiritual leader, loving her for her multi-faceted beauty as the created image of the Creator, loving her despite her imperfections and sin, loving her through her struggles (and by that I do mean loving her so intensely and genuinely that you bring her through her struggles, helping her conquer them, especially the struggles with her own self-image, which seems to be nearly universal among women), loving her for the person she has been, loving her for the person she is, loving her for the person she can be and helping encourage her as God forms her into that person.

He will join with his wife and his family of believers in the adventure God has set before him to change the world for the better by bringing news of Light and Life to those who do not have it. He will openly embrace whatever it is God sends his way, knowing that God's plans are meant to prosper him and not harm him, to give him hope and a future (Jer. 29:11), and he will delve into those plans wholeheartedly and with abandon, giving everything he has to the One who gave all for him.


I want to be this person too. And I want him to want me to be and push me to be this person. And while we'll both fall short, together we will be stronger than we could have been apart. Together we will see and know more of God than we could have alone. Together we will love and serve the One who has done nothing but love and serve us.