the way of life

As my last assignment for this semester (besides studying for a Greek test on Tuesday), I was asked to compose a rule of life for my Christian Spiritual Formation class.

A rule of life, if you're not familiar with it, is a guiding set of principles for your life before God. Rules can be written by individuals, but they are also often written for communities of faith. While a rule of life usually does contain challenges as far as who you want to be and what you want to do, it is far from a set of New Year's resolutions. Rather it is a covenant with God in which you pledge yourself to a certain way of life.

Since it's a highly personal kind of thing, the rule and its contents can take any number of forms. As I began contemplating my own rule of life, what came to mind as a focusing concept was a quote from the Didache, which we just covered in Greek recently: "There are two ways, one of life and one of death, but a great difference between the two ways." A rule of life, it seemed to me, should be something which describes and calls me to the way of life. And what better way to focus my life than on what Jesus calls the greatest commands: love God and love your neighbor as yourself. Everything else, Jesus says, hangs on these things.

So, as I began to write this rule of life, I chose to center it on those precepts, looking at a couple of different aspects of life (relationships, stewardship, ministry, etc.) through the lense of what it meant to love God, love my neighbor, and love myself. Though this was written basically in one sitting and could use some time for reflection before it is finalized (if it ever is), I wanted to share with you what I came up with as my rule of life. It's much more theoretical than some other people's are, but that seems to fit me, as I tend more towards focusing on habits of being rather than habits of doing. That may in some ways be a weakness of my rule, but I can also see it as a strength, enabling this rule to serve me for years and years to come because it lays solid foundations that can be further defined as specific situations arise. Anyway, enough talk already. The formatting's off a little (no lines should continue on to another line without being indented), but here it is. I'd love to hear your thoughts!

To this way of life I am consecrated:

to love the Lord my God with all my heart, soul, mind, and strength.

to love my neighbor.

to love myself.

For there is no commandment greater than these.

First established in flourishing relationship

with my creator, redeemer, and sustainer,

with my fellow sojourners in faith

and those who have chosen a different path,

with the unique image of God I carry within,

I give my fully alive self to the community of Father, Son, and Spirit, to the community of faith,

and to those in the world who are without such wholeness.

Centered in attitudes of joyous expectation and love-filled self-emptying,

I magnify my Lord, humbly submit, and hope unceasingly in divine promise.

I reverence the other as an irreplaceable likeness of our multifaceted God.

I dedicate my all to the service of the kingdom and the praise of God’s glorious grace.

Exceedingly blessed, my life is an incarnation of appreciation for all gifts bestowed upon me—

joyously received from my generous God,

graciously extended to others as theirs,

earnestly cultivated as they are entrusted.

Time, money, talent… each provision an offering back to the one who first imparted it.

Though the materialist myth proclaims unlimited resources, I live instead in moderation,

abstaining from crimes of excess so others may forgo crimes of need.

Ardently I nurture God-given favors—empathy, wisdom, intellect, health—

and employ these endowments of heart, soul, mind, and strength.

For justice and mercy I extend myself,

as one who has received unending mercy from the God of justice.

as one who sees the world crying out

for justice in its fallenness

and mercy in its brokenness.

as one called to and graced with the ministry of this inextricable pair—

two sides of the same coin, two expressions of the same love.

To character and virtue I devote myself,

growing always in thought and in deed towards purity of heart before my holy God,

living from this stance of integrity as the presence of God in the world,

salt and light to flavorlessness and darkness,

seeking always the fruit of the Spirit and the audacious balance

of a God-centered life in a perilously self-centered world.

This is the true way of life. This I choose. This I will be.

a glimpse back

Today I'm sharing with you a journal entry I came across from sometime during the fall of 2007 or spring of 2008. I praise God that things are no longer this way in my life, but this is an accurate portrayal of what I experienced for a number of years. Those years very much shaped who I am, as I think you will understand better after reading. For that reason, and also so any of you who have also experienced such a time will know that you're not alone, I decided to share this with you. No pity wanted, just understanding and encouragement.

I feel my soul begin to plunge again into the unfathomable depths of despair. It is an abyss I have become quite familiar with -- an enemy more dreaded than any other I have faced, yet at the same time a comfortable friend. None, not even I, can understand the mysteries of the transformation that occurs within me. It's a bad case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, only less predictable. A whirlwind or tornado that appears as if out of nowhere, wreaks havoc on my spirit, and then vanishes back to God knows where, leaving a perhaps troubled yet strangely tranquil sky behind it and nothing but a trail of destruction and disaster in its wake. And I am left to sort through the mess, the ruins of what once was my life, trying to put back the pieces to give some semblance (to the world? to myself?) of normalcy, all the while mourning with bitter tears as I compare the devastation that surrounds me to the peaceful, joyful, and whole life I once led.

This malaise that has taken possession of me -- what is it? Can I give it a name? I have tried, though none seems suitable, or perhaps it's that all of them do -- depression, despair, frustration, hopelessness, exhaustion, confusion, anger, bitterness, emptiness... What is this ghost that haunts me, a specter I can at times avoid and at other times against which I am utterly powerless?

I cannot understand the inner workings of my heart, the processes of my mind. I do not know why I feel like I do or what it is in me that changes, that begins the dreaded metamorphosis. As regular and yet as unpredictable as the weather here in my northwest Arkansas home, my mindset and my heart move from one end of the continuum to the other. Sometimes it happens gradually, building throughout the day until I have inched my way into this diseased way of thinking and feeling, and other times it is as sudden and as painful as a gunshot. Whether it's a word, an action, a circumstance, or a lack of one of those things, my mood swiftly transitions from the typical gray twilight in which I seem to live into total blackness, like the darkness that surrounds you on a night with no moon or stars and not a single light to be seen.

Every word I hear, every thought I think becomes twisted and dangerous. "Are they talking about me?" It's either, " Yes -- they must have awful things to say," or "No -- no one cares enough to give me a first thought, much less a second." If I take a look in the mirror, it's "Yikes! I look horrible today. If you look closely, you can even see the ugliness of my soul in my eyes." Or there's the despairing "I look all right, or maybe even good, but what's the use? No one is ever going to care anyway. Why try?"

Any faint glimmer of hope is immediately snatched away and turned easily into a weapon to further the piercing darkness that surrounds me and envelops me. Why cannot hope abide? Why must it flee so easily? Why must I be left in my aloneness, seeking always for comfort and companionship and finding none that promises to salve the wounds my heart has had inflicted on it?

photo found through Google image search at http://www.paranormalknowledge.com

bookworm

Here's the visual summary of what I've read this year. For the most part, I had some great reading material this year. Some serious, some silly, some deep, some superficial. Some for fun, some for spiritual encouragement, some for classes I was taking. And I'll admit up front that there are a few that I still have to finish (or that I was only assigned part of for class), but since I've read the majority of those, I'll count them as read in 2009.

My top three picks from the year are: Acedia and Me by Kathleen Norris, The Depth of the Riches: A Trinitarian Theology of Religious Ends by S. Mark Heim, and easily the hands down favorite, Gilead by Marilynne Robinson. All in all, though, it's been a good year for reading, and there are lots of books here you should check out. Click on any one of them to be taken to the amazon.com description. What are some of your favorite reads from this year? Please feel free to share them with me so I can add them to my list for this next year! Here's to another great year in 2010!

short but sweet

For all my photographer friends out there, or just for anyone who wants to brighten a sick child's day... Check out Karen's blog here for an amazing way to bring joy to someone who needs it!

joy in the smallest of things

Things I'm looking forward to this week:

more leftover spaghetti and meatballs for lunch here in a few minutes!
figuring out my class schedule for next semester
systematic theology
smiling faces
finishing season 2 of Scrubs
the feeling of accomplishment that will follow the insane amounts of reading I have
church on Wednesday night at HOPE, followed by Taco Bueno!!
reflecting on my ministerial identity
reading more in Jane Eyre
sharing my life story with my mentoring group at Monks
dinner with the roomies and co., accompanied by Community and The Office
GST talent show!!!

It's gonna be a busy week, but it's gonna be a good one!

plain Jane

Now, I know facebook quizzes aren't exactly always the most reliable indicators (ha!), but I think this is a pretty good description of me. May be time to pull this one off the shelf and read it again. I've always identified with Jane since I first read the book back in 9th grade English class. Let's see, that'd be 11 years ago now... What do you think, does it fit me?

"You are Jane Eyre from Charlotte Bronte's classic masterpiece. You spend much of your life torn between the desires of your heart and the choices you feel are most logical. You're a smart person who is very resilient, romantic, strong, and forgiving. You have a lot of love to offer people, if they're willing to look past your eccentricities to find it. You spend much of your time in a state of humble, thoughtful silence, yet you're not afraid to get assertive when the situation calls for it. You've never been one to conform to society's rules, even if that means making unpopular decisions. People will try to change you, but you'll never let them. Above all else, you're a Romantic with your own set of beliefs and desires. In the end, everyone knows you're going to make the right decision..."

thanksgiving

No, I'm not confused as to the time of the year, though the rain and cooler days that we've had in Abilene this past week might have made me think that it was about time for some turkey! Rather, I've just had it on my heart recently to work on developing a more outspoken attitude of thankfulness. So, thinking back to the days of the RFC email thankfulness lists, here's a list of my own for the day:

1. a beautiful evening on a blanket at the disc golf course, reveling in God's presence

2. great class discussions today

3. food to eat -- it's time for a snack, and I have the luxury of eating one!

4. three wonderful roommates

5. neighbors who continually knock on our door because our witness of generosity and kindness has encouraged them to

6. getting to talk to all of my grandparents throughout the past few days

7. snickerdoodles

8. cookies in general -- I'm an equal opportunity cookie devourer.

9. the challenge of contemplating the things I've been learning

10. a wonderful new church and new friends there!

What about you? What are you thankful for in your life? How has God blessed you today?

catching up

So for those of you who might still be anxiously awaiting to hear how my first day of school went (two and a half weeks ago...), sorry 'bout that. I know you've been on the edge of your seats, checking at least every hour to see if I've updated you yet, right?
It's amazing how quickly time passes here, when there's always something to do, whether that's reading for class, meeting new friends and getting to know them, or enjoy my few moments of downtime when I can get them. So, though blogging has been relatively high on my priorities list, I just hadn't made it there yet. Til now.

I'm sure you'll pick up on this in what follows, but just to summarize: I'm loving it!

I've got three wonderful roommates -- Deanna, Olivia, and Kaylynn. I'm having a great time getting to know the three of those girls, and they've been so much fun to hang out with. We'll cook dinner together every once in a while and watch an episode or two of various TV shows that we're all fans of. They're amazing, and I definitely thank God for brining us together!

Here are a couple of pictures for you of my side of the room I'm sharing with Kaylynn.

We're in a cute little house just a block or so off campus (down the street to the west of University Church of Christ, for any of you who might be familiar with Abilene). It's a great location, not just because it's so close to campus, but also because we've got some of the guys from the GST (Graduate School of Theology) living just down at the other end of the street, and they're a lot of fun to hang out with. Just last night, in fact, they hosted their annual GST cookout, and there were probably around 100 people there. Definitely a good time!

So as far as churches, well, I thought it would take me a while to find a place that I felt comfortable, but that actually happened the first Sunday in town. I'll probably check out a few other places still, but as I do, I'm planning to attend HOPE Church of Christ, which is a smaller, more informal congregation than I've been accustomed to, and that's exactly along the lines of what I was looking for. They meet on Sunday nights instead of Sunday mornings for worship, so that'll give me a chance to visit some other places on Sunday mornings as well. Anyway, my roommate Deanna goes there and introduced me to it, and I immediately felt like a part of their family. Not only that, but I was able to truly worship from the heart for probably the first time in years, or at least what seems like years. Right now the church is in the process of relocating, from a warehouse that they've been in for the past few years, to a storefront location which they're renovating themselves. I've gone to help out with the finishing touches (painting, outlet covers, etc.) a couple of times, and it's amazing what they've done to transform that place. We'll be moving in around the beginning of October, and we're all excited!

And classes... the main reason I'm here in the first place. I can't really describe to you how happy I am to be here and how much I am enjoy my work!! You may think I'm crazy for having fun doing Greek homework and reading about systematic theology, and that's fine. Maybe I am. But I'm okay with that because I'd rather be crazy and happy than sane and miserable, I suppose. :)

Foundations of Theology of Ministry is way too long of a name for a class, but it's a great class, nonetheless. It's a new introductory class that's just being taught for the first time this semester, with Jeff Childers at the helm. So at the moment, we're reading things about how to think theologically, and we're doing exercise to familiarize ourselves with different aspects of GST life (the library, study habits, talking some about spiritual disciplines). It's not a heavy workload, and it's been a good class to help us first year students get to know one another a bit better. And Jeff's great. He's got such a wonderfully dry sense of humor that I cherish. He's an amazingly smart guy, but he's also got such a heart for ministering to his students and helping us in our journey of spiritual formation. That's something that can be said about nearly everyone here at ACU (if not everyone), and it makes me so thankful to be here.

I'm also taking beginning Greek with Ken Cukrowski, which has been really good so far. I've taken a year and a half of Greek before, but it was five years ago that I finished it up, so I decided to start at the very beginning (Sound of Music, anyone??) again and get a good review, since I'd forgotten so much. So at the moment, it's a relatively easy class for me, though I know there will come a point in the not-too-distant future at which I'll have to actually start studying. It's great to get back into a language again. Something I've missed. And Ken's also a great teacher who makes what can be a very difficult and frustrating experience for many into one that's still challenging but enjoyable and not overwhelming.

And my favorite class... Systematic Theology I with Fred Aquino. Now I'm not quite sure yet if I'm enjoying this class because I may have some potential for theology or in spite of the fact that I don't have any potential for it, and I just don't realize it yet. It's one of those classes where I think I'm understanding what I'm reading and how the discussion goes, but it could be that I'm just so completely lost that I don't even realize how lost I am. Make sense at all? The class is definitely a challenging one on many levels. To start off with, there's plenty of reading to do. Thankfully, this last week was the heaviest as far as reading (with a 300 page book for the week), and it'll slow down a tiny bit on that in the future. But it's also challenging in that when we're finished with our marathon three-hour-long class on Monday afternoons, I'm not sure I can think or talk straight because my brain's been challenged to wrap itself around so many various aspects of an idea or an argument. And that's one reason why I'm loving it! And I definitely enjoyed the reading for last Monday's class. That 300 page book, "Canonical Theism," was amazing. Not yet sure exactly where I fall on everything it was discussing, but it had some very powerful things to say to Christendom today. And I have a lot of respect for Fred. He's a man who has been gifted with an amazing intellect which he pushes to its furthest reaches in order to serve God and the church. He's misunderstood by many, but what he pursues and stands for is truth, even when it flies in the face of our comfortable traditions and misunderstandings. I think I can learn a lot from him.

Well, there's more to be said, but that'll have to wait for another time. I've got to go finish getting ready and then head to grad chapel. It's a weekly Wednesday occurrence, often followed by lunch at one place or another, and I've already come to treasure that time in worship and fellowship with my fellow students and my instructors. And today I'll be reading a poem and leading a prayer. So, off to dry my hair I go! Later!

first day of school

It's been a couple of years since I've had one of these, but today's the day. And for those of you who may still be wondering, I chose Abilene Christian University over Boston University. Sorry to leave you in suspense for months... So today I've got Foundations of Theology of Ministry with Jeff Childers, and also Intro to Systematic Theology with Fred Aquino. Say a prayer for me and this new adventure of mine, and I'll let you know later how it all goes!

Spectrum of Personality

It seems like everyone generally has a favorite color. For my grandmother, it's undoubtedly blue. One look at her house would tell you that without a doubt. (I'll post a few pictures below to demonstrate what I mean... Yes, the whole house is like that, and as Nellie can tell you, there really are no words.) Anyway, throughout the years, my favorite color has changed, and I've often wondered what, if anything, that says about me during those periods of my life. I came across a website the other day that seemed to answer the question for me.

Now, I know it's not exactly scientific, but these descriptions are me in a nutshell. For the majority of my life, blue has been my favorite. About three to four years ago, a dark red comparable to maroon took precedence, and for the past few months green has definitely been growing on me and may take the top spot. For those of you who've know me during those times, I think you might see when you read the descriptions below just how appropriate they really are for me. Anyway, just a bit of fun...

Blue: Soft, soothing, compassionate and caring, Blue is the color of deliberation and introspection, conservatism and duty. Patient, persevering, conscientious, sensitive and self-controlled, Blues like to be admired for their steady character and wisdom. They are faithful, but are often worriers with somewhat inflexible beliefs and can be too cautious, and suspicious of flamboyant behavior.

Maroon: Harsh experience has probably matured the Maroon person into someone likeable and generous. It is often a favorite color of someone who has been battered by life but has come through. It indicates a well-disciplined Red personality—one who has had difficult experiences and has not come through unmarked but who has grown and matured in the process.

Green: The color of harmony and balance, Green symbolizes hope, renewal and peace, and is usually liked by the gentle and sincere. Greens are generally frank, community-minded people, fairly sociable but preferring peace at any price. Green people can be too self-effacing, modest and patient, so they may get exploited by others. They are usually refined, civilized and reputable.


And now for Grandmother's house. Be prepared to be amazed. Or aghast. Or something...